Around 20 I had this weird way of looking at I guy I like and picture all my life next to him. First date, first time having sex, traveling together, cooking together, talking about work and problems of our life, having sex after 3 months, going out together, spending our holidays on a sunny beach, having almost no sex after 3 years, starting to discuss about separate holidays, standing him in the morning, getting out in the winter to the balcony to smoke, hatting his friends, standing his depression on 39, living with a guilt of cheating on him, wondering if he cheats on me, having sex on our 20 years anniversary and finding that is lame and buying a gym card for his 45 birthday, buying a dog, seeing him with a younger guy (the same one that I cheated him with), sharing all my need for cuddling with the dog we bought as a substitute for a child, saying I love you as a repetitive mantra that doesn't mean anything, his death and my regret of not being as independent as I wanted to be. And that was a turn off.
Later I learn to just image that cute guy sleeping next to me, or just living around 4 after a good night fun. That worked for a while. Till I got hocked on watching Lopesch sleep next to me, getting totally jealous cause I kissed a girl for fun in a toilet or just laughing. In his special warming way.
And now I take it as it is. A schmilling schpanisch guy on the other side of the table looking, directly with his soul, at me.